This is Amy and this is #herstory.My story started years ago when I was a child, although I grew up in a loving, two-parent households with siblings, I somehow turned out to be a person that has felt nothing but hurt and pain throughout my life. There have been happy moments but more than hurt and painful times than anything. I guess starting in elementary, I was picked on and teased a lot because there were 9 kids and my hardworking father was the only income for the house. My mother stayed home and tended to myself and siblings.
Always had a good meal to eat, warm bed and roof over our heads, but a lot of things we couldn’t have like others kids and because we lived in a small rural town where you’re only liked if you come from a certain family, or dress nice, or you are apart of the cliques then you were and still is a nobody. In school I was teased, called names, and picked on so that was hurt that I could never forget...I never measured up to being good enough to like. I was raised in church but left for years after getting grown because even the church people had cliques.
I had my first child at 16 by a man old enough to be my father, started dating him when I was 13 but I was looking for love since all the boys in school I ever liked wouldn’t give me the time of day. I love my son more than ever but sometimes it is a constant reminder of a horrible thing I did or allowed a man twice my senior at the time to take my innocence. Fast forwarding, it seems beginning at that time in my life I have been on a downward spiral regardless of how hard I try to be better, do better and move forward in this thing called life. I sometimes feel that my sins will never allow me to break free and I’m still paying for things that I did. My son has been locked up now 6yrs, my other three children are good but it was a rocky relationship with my two daughters when they were in school. I am thankful now that my oldest 27 yrs old now and I have developed a very loving special bond and we are very close now. We use to butt heads so bad that I actually had to fight my child to let her know who was boss and I was the parent and she was not going to disrespect me or talk back to me, attitude was horrible and mouth was super slick, she thought she could whoop me.
My husband and I have been together 30 years, married 5 in March of these 30 yrs. We come from different backgrounds family wise, his parents divorced when he was 8 so we have different views on what parenting and a running a household should look like. We don’t have the same goals, we don’t agree on anything, we’re never on the same page, I did most of the parenting, while he worked and was just the provider and he felt that’s all he needed to be. We hardly conversate without arguing, I have dreams, he’s content so it all led to me finding what I needed from another man before we were married.
But I never expected that looking for love again in the wrong place would open me up to more than I ever thought I had experienced. I was abused mentally and physically by someone I didn’t even live with but at the same time he could be so good and loving and have all the characteristics I wanted in a relationship. I was hurt from my husband not being that person for me, hurt that the person I turned to hurt me, hurt that I knew I wasn’t being a good parent, hurt that nothing I ever do turns out right, hurt that my son is locked up, hurt that my life may never be what I envision it to be, hurt by family members, so called friends, hurt that a whole town has hated my family for some reason, hurt that right now I’m still trying to overcome these very things that have broken me...hurt that the church I was attending still portrays the same things it did as when I was a kid.
But I stumbled onto Errika’s Instagram one day, and while I’m not there in spirit, her prayer calls have given me hope and keep me uplifted and I hear in her prayers calls that God loves me and her convictions help me to know that I can overcome all my hurt and live the life God has intended me to have, I’m struggling still with fear, feeling unworthy, defeated, negativity the devil stays in my head but I refuse to give up the fight, I hear him but I don’t hear him because I know what ever the devil is saying to me, is because he knows and I know I am God’s child. Please continue to prayer for me and letting go of all my inner agonies to God. I have left church again but Women4Christ along with so many others I follow keep me spiritually fed. That’s #herstory so what’s yours?